"The most beautiful discovery true friends makes is that they can grow separately without growing apart."
- Elizabeth Fowley
On Mar 2, I typed in this quote, my heart full of bitterness and spite. My best friend of 7 years, the one person whom I thought would never be one of the many passersby in my life, was starting to fade from it.
She was one of the fallen ones. Someone came by, swept her off her feet, and subsequently, out of my life, too. And while I was happy for her, I also slowly came to the realisation that she was slowly but surely slipping out of my life. I saw her less and less, and my efforts at meeting up with her were displaced by her busy work sched, as well as the desire of a person newly basking in the luxuriance of love to spend more time with that one person who made life so perfect and worth living.
It didn't help that her landlady, my aunt, kept reminding me how little she was at home, everytime I went over to her place to give my cousin tuition. Slowly, happiness for her turned to jealousy, anger, and resentment.
And then, I stopped wanting to care. Of course deep down I still did, otherwise I wouldn't have been so upset with her. Stopped trying to catch up with her. Stopped trying to sms her about the nitty gritties in my life, to complain whenever things didn't go my way. I put up a big, big barrier between her and me, and refused to let her come close, even when she started to sense that something had gone wrong between the both of us. For months, I would rant to my boyfriend, about the anger, the sense of betrayal, of having someone come between us, when it was the exact thing she said she would never allow to happen. And I continued to shut her out.
In my eyes, we had drifted apart, not only because of the time we didn't spend together, but also in terms of our interests, the way we saw things. To be fair, they never really melded to begin with, but at least in the past there was music, movies, chionging sessions, slumber parties. But I guess what happened next was we grew up.
Or rather, she did. Got a job, worked her brains out, no energy left to have fun. While I was still in my final year of uni, she'd already finished her degree. By the time I found a job, she'd already been poring through sheets and sheets of papers for a year. How could we not have moved in different directions?
But the last straw was having a new man in her life. Granted, I was genuinely happy for her, to have found someone dependable and who loved her and treated her well. But I wasn't ready for the aftermath. For the first time in many years, she didn't need me anymore. I no longer had to be there for her when she ran into problems, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, to give her advice. I was relegated; I was redundant.
And, I suppose, at the end of the day, that's the part that stung the most. Not that she had neglected me, not that we were becoming more and more different from each other. I can see that now. I saw that some time ago, in fact, but the acceptance has now come along. I don't blame her for spending as much time as she can with him, because, looking back, I did the same thing as well. In the throes of a new relationship, anyone can forget the rest of the world still goes on; time stands still, you only have eyes for the other.
So today, I look back, and look at, our relationship with a kind of resignation. People grow up, fall in love, breakaway. It happens. It's happening all around me. I'm guilty of it too. Not that I'm proud of it. But, being aware of it now, I do want to have friends other than my Significant Other. It's unhealthy, to me, to enclose yourself in a world where only you and him exist. It is also impractical. I mean, look at me! My best friend is The Boyfriend. And he's prolly much the only person I hang out with these days, despite efforts to go out with others in a group (Over The Hedge being an example). What the hell, what's going to happen if one day, touch wood, we fall out with each other? He leaves the country again? Am I going to wait until then to run back to my friends, whom I'd neglected heretofore, and expect them to welcome me back with open arms? Hell no. Such unfair and selfish behaviour wouldn't you say.
Okay. From today onwards, I am going to put in more effort to go out and meet up with my friends other than the one having the initials T and B, starting with people closest to me first. Or who were. And while I don't know whether I can still call her my best friend, yes, she's included too.
- Elizabeth Fowley
On Mar 2, I typed in this quote, my heart full of bitterness and spite. My best friend of 7 years, the one person whom I thought would never be one of the many passersby in my life, was starting to fade from it.
She was one of the fallen ones. Someone came by, swept her off her feet, and subsequently, out of my life, too. And while I was happy for her, I also slowly came to the realisation that she was slowly but surely slipping out of my life. I saw her less and less, and my efforts at meeting up with her were displaced by her busy work sched, as well as the desire of a person newly basking in the luxuriance of love to spend more time with that one person who made life so perfect and worth living.
It didn't help that her landlady, my aunt, kept reminding me how little she was at home, everytime I went over to her place to give my cousin tuition. Slowly, happiness for her turned to jealousy, anger, and resentment.
And then, I stopped wanting to care. Of course deep down I still did, otherwise I wouldn't have been so upset with her. Stopped trying to catch up with her. Stopped trying to sms her about the nitty gritties in my life, to complain whenever things didn't go my way. I put up a big, big barrier between her and me, and refused to let her come close, even when she started to sense that something had gone wrong between the both of us. For months, I would rant to my boyfriend, about the anger, the sense of betrayal, of having someone come between us, when it was the exact thing she said she would never allow to happen. And I continued to shut her out.
In my eyes, we had drifted apart, not only because of the time we didn't spend together, but also in terms of our interests, the way we saw things. To be fair, they never really melded to begin with, but at least in the past there was music, movies, chionging sessions, slumber parties. But I guess what happened next was we grew up.
Or rather, she did. Got a job, worked her brains out, no energy left to have fun. While I was still in my final year of uni, she'd already finished her degree. By the time I found a job, she'd already been poring through sheets and sheets of papers for a year. How could we not have moved in different directions?
But the last straw was having a new man in her life. Granted, I was genuinely happy for her, to have found someone dependable and who loved her and treated her well. But I wasn't ready for the aftermath. For the first time in many years, she didn't need me anymore. I no longer had to be there for her when she ran into problems, when she needed a shoulder to cry on, to give her advice. I was relegated; I was redundant.
And, I suppose, at the end of the day, that's the part that stung the most. Not that she had neglected me, not that we were becoming more and more different from each other. I can see that now. I saw that some time ago, in fact, but the acceptance has now come along. I don't blame her for spending as much time as she can with him, because, looking back, I did the same thing as well. In the throes of a new relationship, anyone can forget the rest of the world still goes on; time stands still, you only have eyes for the other.
So today, I look back, and look at, our relationship with a kind of resignation. People grow up, fall in love, breakaway. It happens. It's happening all around me. I'm guilty of it too. Not that I'm proud of it. But, being aware of it now, I do want to have friends other than my Significant Other. It's unhealthy, to me, to enclose yourself in a world where only you and him exist. It is also impractical. I mean, look at me! My best friend is The Boyfriend. And he's prolly much the only person I hang out with these days, despite efforts to go out with others in a group (Over The Hedge being an example). What the hell, what's going to happen if one day, touch wood, we fall out with each other? He leaves the country again? Am I going to wait until then to run back to my friends, whom I'd neglected heretofore, and expect them to welcome me back with open arms? Hell no. Such unfair and selfish behaviour wouldn't you say.
Okay. From today onwards, I am going to put in more effort to go out and meet up with my friends other than the one having the initials T and B, starting with people closest to me first. Or who were. And while I don't know whether I can still call her my best friend, yes, she's included too.
13 comments:
Dear friend,
I have the same sentiments as you a few years back. And it was as though I've juz broken up with a boyfriend, only that she was my closet friend during university. I feel that a relationship regardless of whether it is platonic or otherwise, holds a certain emotional aspect. Sometimes, dependent sometimes, exclusive. The amount of time and effort we use to nuture any relationship is no less tiring. Hence every lost friendship is like a heartwrenching break-up. And likewise, the remedy is the same.
SO do take care and have courage.
Dear Leney,
Thanks so much for your encouragement.. it's good to know that I'm not the only person who feels this way. But I am also "on the mend", so to speak. Wouldn't have posted this entry otherwise, I think. Would've been filled with a lot more bitterness if not! I'm slowly letting go... slowly but surely. Hopefully, however, we can still be good friends. Time will tell.
Dear juju.. quoting frm somewhere.. "while couples demand commitment of each other directly, the expectations in a frenship r usually subtle and unsaid, and thus > prone to neglect"
dont let go! pls dun! i have not (if u noe wat i mean + who i refer to..) true frendships will stand thr the test of time ^-^ hugZ
btw 'over the hedge' was coz i would really be the LAMP POST if i went, thus my reluctance.. yupz.. i promise an appearance next time k! =)
"life is about relationships"...
lookin forward to meeting u up!
Hey Fangz, don't worry I wasn't upset about "Over the Hedge", it's just an observation I was making really.. I guess you wouldn't know, because I didn't say it! I just feel that, as we grow up, and have our own lives to lead, we spend less and less time with each other. Hence the failure of "Over the Hedge". Not blaming you at all, don't worry!
And yeah, I'm not giving up... I've just come to realise that you can't expect people to grow up in the same direction all the time. We grow, and inevitably some of us do so in different directions... Sometimes it's just in the form of a boyfriend. I do still cherish the relationship, I just don't think it's the same anymore. But you, you hold on, alright? :)
Heehee... yup Daf! Still have that lil gift I got from you from Shanghai (yes I said Hongkong at first but know I think it isn't suitable, so I got you another from Shanghai). Will contact you soon. Prolly in a week's time or so? :)
Hhmmm... CDo i Have the opportunity to date this hot babe? :P
Haha do you mean moi, by any chance? Yes, yes! Can I please give you my R? SMS me your email add can?
Hahha, Send it through sms it's easier!
Huh, so many days lor, keke...
yes jules, it's really pretty sad that friends that used to be so close...drift apart as our paths takes diff directions.
I'm also guilty of the "crime",work, spending more n more time in the world of 2, and neglecting friends.
Friendships reallhy requires effort, as we all have our own paths to take. But i guess, it takes two hands to clap. Putting in effort can't be a one way too. So yup, let's all be mindful and keep friendships alive and going!
^-^
THE INVITATION
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fake it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers
and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal, and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can see beauty even if it's not pretty every day, and if you can wellspring your life from a sacred presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon...YES!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair; weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where, or with whom, you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments....
Thanks for dropping the line Xian, as well as everyone else who have left a comment... I do agree.. it may be a fact of life that people come and go, but it also requires effort for us to stay together as friends. Hopefully by the time I'm 40 I'll still have some of you guys by my side. Heh.
Post a Comment