So very weak.
Today I was pissed off again by the self-same friend I referred to in a previous entry some time ago. Actually her crime wasn't major, but it was the accumulation of the mis-communications we've had that made me see red. I shan't go into the details, but it bothered me the whole night, hanging over me like a fly I couldn't shake off.
I held onto him tonight, trying to hug away all the anger, the pain, the confusion and whatever else within me. But no matter how close I snuggled up to him, it never seemed close enough. I couldn't feel comforted. After he sent me home, I ranted somemore about my friend, and he, being the straight-talking person he is, told me that though I said I'd given up, in truth I hadn't. Point-blank he said, I hadn't given up, but yet I wasn't doing anything to make it better.
I was so mad.
I didn't want to speak to him, I told him to go home, but he asked me why I was taking it out on him. That's when I realised - I was mad 'cause he was spot-on. Why was I torturing myself like that? Maybe it has nothing to do with my friend, and everything to do with me. Maybe I'm just playing mind games with myself.
And in that instant, everything became clear to me - I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid I'll end up with no friends one day. In every stage of my life, I've lost a close friend. For most of them, no, all of them really, I believe it was my fault. For being vindictive, for being a coward, for being overbearing. Maybe that's why drifting apart with this one has been especially hard. Because this was the one friendship I thought I'd have for life. But I realise that even though people may say otherwise, things will still get in the way. People still drift apart, despite best efforts. And once again, I realise, I still blame myself. Maybe I was too hard on her, maybe I distanced myself too much, maybe I was too sarcastic and bitter towards her. On my birthday I realised she didn't need me anymore - she still had so many other friends around her, what's one less?
All this time, I wished and hoped, quietly, that he would tell me he'd be there for him. Nevermind that we never talk about the future, never have discussed concrete plans. Just tell me what I want to hear. I guess tonight he got the hint, finally, and told me "you still have me". A wave of relief swept over me. I hugged him and could feel him.
But, almost immediately after, the doubts resurfaced. The tree I so desperately need to lean on, it too may break under too much pressure. I fear I may one day grow too heavy for the tree to handle. And I love this tree so much. I want to give it all I have, so badly, it almost feels like I'm trying to bribe it sometimes. I need its shade so much right now.
But of course you can't bribe a tree. You can only nurture it, and care for it, and only hope it grows strong and protect you from wind and rain. Yet, you feel you can never be sure. Will some disease come and claim it from you one day? A disease that comes from you. A disease that eats you from inside, that spreads to others and before you know it, they're gone. And this disease doesn't even need to be real. You just need to think it's real.
So I know I must be strong. I cannot let self-doubt get the better of me. I need to have faith. But the problem is, right now, I feel so weak. Selfish, and weak. I don't know how to be strong.
Or maybe, maybe all of us need a few trees. Not just one special one on its own. And I guess I do have a few trees in my life right now. Maybe if I learn to spread my weight out equally across all of them, I will manage not to break any of them.
Today I was pissed off again by the self-same friend I referred to in a previous entry some time ago. Actually her crime wasn't major, but it was the accumulation of the mis-communications we've had that made me see red. I shan't go into the details, but it bothered me the whole night, hanging over me like a fly I couldn't shake off.
I held onto him tonight, trying to hug away all the anger, the pain, the confusion and whatever else within me. But no matter how close I snuggled up to him, it never seemed close enough. I couldn't feel comforted. After he sent me home, I ranted somemore about my friend, and he, being the straight-talking person he is, told me that though I said I'd given up, in truth I hadn't. Point-blank he said, I hadn't given up, but yet I wasn't doing anything to make it better.
I was so mad.
I didn't want to speak to him, I told him to go home, but he asked me why I was taking it out on him. That's when I realised - I was mad 'cause he was spot-on. Why was I torturing myself like that? Maybe it has nothing to do with my friend, and everything to do with me. Maybe I'm just playing mind games with myself.
And in that instant, everything became clear to me - I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid I'll end up with no friends one day. In every stage of my life, I've lost a close friend. For most of them, no, all of them really, I believe it was my fault. For being vindictive, for being a coward, for being overbearing. Maybe that's why drifting apart with this one has been especially hard. Because this was the one friendship I thought I'd have for life. But I realise that even though people may say otherwise, things will still get in the way. People still drift apart, despite best efforts. And once again, I realise, I still blame myself. Maybe I was too hard on her, maybe I distanced myself too much, maybe I was too sarcastic and bitter towards her. On my birthday I realised she didn't need me anymore - she still had so many other friends around her, what's one less?
All this time, I wished and hoped, quietly, that he would tell me he'd be there for him. Nevermind that we never talk about the future, never have discussed concrete plans. Just tell me what I want to hear. I guess tonight he got the hint, finally, and told me "you still have me". A wave of relief swept over me. I hugged him and could feel him.
But, almost immediately after, the doubts resurfaced. The tree I so desperately need to lean on, it too may break under too much pressure. I fear I may one day grow too heavy for the tree to handle. And I love this tree so much. I want to give it all I have, so badly, it almost feels like I'm trying to bribe it sometimes. I need its shade so much right now.
But of course you can't bribe a tree. You can only nurture it, and care for it, and only hope it grows strong and protect you from wind and rain. Yet, you feel you can never be sure. Will some disease come and claim it from you one day? A disease that comes from you. A disease that eats you from inside, that spreads to others and before you know it, they're gone. And this disease doesn't even need to be real. You just need to think it's real.
So I know I must be strong. I cannot let self-doubt get the better of me. I need to have faith. But the problem is, right now, I feel so weak. Selfish, and weak. I don't know how to be strong.
Or maybe, maybe all of us need a few trees. Not just one special one on its own. And I guess I do have a few trees in my life right now. Maybe if I learn to spread my weight out equally across all of them, I will manage not to break any of them.
5 comments:
there are friends that come in our life for a reason, for a season, or a lifetime.. and it does take effort (and some figuring out) to know who're those who're the lifetime friends (apart from our future spouse if we have, who shld be 1 of them :) i think even lifetime friends, may not necessarily be in our lives for 'a lifetime'...but the times we spend with them and the impact they have on us..positively changes us for life.. hee. juz my 5cts worth..
I came so close to taking down this post the morning (afternoon, really) after writing it in my flurry of emotions. I'm a damnemo person la, think it sucks sometimes being so emo. You lose all sense of logic and rationale.
Well anyways, thanks for the food for thought, Daf. I think what me and my friend lack is a sense of mutual understanding, and how do we make up for it? By making assumptions and not communicating. Isn't that wonderful? Hah.
Thanks too, Chien, I do feel better now. In fact, a lot more numb, and unsure how to proceed with this friendship. I could walk away, or I could stay and make the effort. But right now, I must say pride is in the way of doing the latter. We'll see. We'll see.
Dear friend,
I know I may not be in the best position to give you comfort now. But I empathise with you. At least you have another person who is willing to stand by your side through it all. I guess sometimes, we have to just make do with what little things life gift us with.
Hey blueorchid, I needed to read your comment twice to find out what you were talking about! Ha. So cryptic. Yes I know what you mean abt making assumptions, but believe you me it isn't so easy to iron them out... Anyway thanks for the shout out and the offer to be a listening ear. It's nice to know. :)
Hey Leney,
Thanks for putting things into perspective for me. Yes it's really good to have someone stand by me. I think he keeps me sane, sometimes. And, I'm sure, we all have our little gifts. We just need to know where to look.
Post a Comment