I haven't got the time to blog!

There's too much going on in my life for me to have the time to sit down in front of my comp and blog. Oh, gosh. I really really want to show off all these pictures I took in London and Paris, but alas, the tick-tock's not on my side. I mean, I sacrifice sleep so that I can spend some time with my friends. Coming home at this time, all I wanna do is plonk onto my bed and lose all sense of consciousness. But it's all worth it, y'all. It's all worth it.

But for now, here's a snippet of the ultimate in Been There Done That-biry.

No, wait - this is more convincing:

I want to be strong, but I know I am weak

So very weak.


Today I was pissed off again by the self-same friend I referred to in a previous entry some time ago. Actually her crime wasn't major, but it was the accumulation of the mis-communications we've had that made me see red. I shan't go into the details, but it bothered me the whole night, hanging over me like a fly I couldn't shake off.

I held onto him tonight, trying to hug away all the anger, the pain, the confusion and whatever else within me. But no matter how close I snuggled up to him, it never seemed close enough. I couldn't feel comforted. After he sent me home, I ranted somemore about my friend, and he, being the straight-talking person he is, told me that though I said I'd given up, in truth I hadn't. Point-blank he said, I hadn't given up, but yet I wasn't doing anything to make it better.

I was so mad.

I didn't want to speak to him, I told him to go home, but he asked me why I was taking it out on him. That's when I realised - I was mad 'cause he was spot-on. Why was I torturing myself like that? Maybe it has nothing to do with my friend, and everything to do with me. Maybe I'm just playing mind games with myself.

And in that instant, everything became clear to me - I was afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid I'll end up with no friends one day. In every stage of my life, I've lost a close friend. For most of them, no, all of them really, I believe it was my fault. For being vindictive, for being a coward, for being overbearing. Maybe that's why drifting apart with this one has been especially hard. Because this was the one friendship I thought I'd have for life. But I realise that even though people may say otherwise, things will still get in the way. People still drift apart, despite best efforts. And once again, I realise, I still blame myself. Maybe I was too hard on her, maybe I distanced myself too much, maybe I was too sarcastic and bitter towards her. On my birthday I realised she didn't need me anymore - she still had so many other friends around her, what's one less?

All this time, I wished and hoped, quietly, that he would tell me he'd be there for him. Nevermind that we never talk about the future, never have discussed concrete plans. Just tell me what I want to hear. I guess tonight he got the hint, finally, and told me "you still have me". A wave of relief swept over me. I hugged him and could feel him.


But, almost immediately after, the doubts resurfaced. The tree I so desperately need to lean on, it too may break under too much pressure. I fear I may one day grow too heavy for the tree to handle. And I love this tree so much. I want to give it all I have, so badly, it almost feels like I'm trying to bribe it sometimes. I need its shade so much right now.

But of course you can't bribe a tree. You can only nurture it, and care for it, and only hope it grows strong and protect you from wind and rain. Yet, you feel you can never be sure. Will some disease come and claim it from you one day? A disease that comes from you. A disease that eats you from inside, that spreads to others and before you know it, they're gone. And this disease doesn't even need to be real. You just need to think it's real.

So I know I must be strong. I cannot let self-doubt get the better of me. I need to have faith. But the problem is, right now, I feel so weak. Selfish, and weak. I don't know how to be strong.


Or maybe, maybe all of us need a few trees. Not just one special one on its own. And I guess I do have a few trees in my life right now. Maybe if I learn to spread my weight out equally across all of them, I will manage not to break any of them.